zero punctuation eve online

If you're looking for a Zero Punctuation-style take on EVE Online, heres a fast-paced, sarcastic rant in the spirit of Yahtzee Croshaw: Zero Punctuation Reviews EVE Online* (Cue rapid-fire monotone voice over chaotic visuals of spreadsheets and exploding spaceships.) Ah, EVE Online, the MMO where fun goes to dieunless your idea of fun is watching a pie chart slowly render while your wallet hemorrhages ISK. Its a game that proudly boasts, Were not for everyone! like thats a selling point, not a warning label. Lets start with the gameplay: imagine Microsoft Excel had a baby with a 90s screensaver, then dropped it into a sandbox full of sociopaths with spreadsheets. Youll spend 80% of your time staring at menus, 15% waiting for your ship to crawl across the galaxy at the speed of a sedated snail, and 5% getting ganked by a fleet of bored Icelanders whove been playing since the Bush administration. And the learning curve? Its not a curveits a sheer cliff face with Abandon all hope, ye who dock here carved into it. The tutorial is like being handed a trigonometry textbook in Klingon and told Good luck, nerd. Even the UI looks like someone took the control panel of a nuclear reactor and crossed it with a tax return. But the real magic of EVE is its player base: a cabal of hyper-organized space warlords who treat the game like a second jobexcept their job is being pirates, corporate spies, or actual in-game bankers. Its the only game where you can lose six months of progress because some guy named PewPewLaserFace scammed you in a trade deal that was technically legal. And dont get me started on the combat! Its like watching two calculators duelyou click a button, then sit back as your ship auto-fires for 20 minutes while you pray your insurance covers the inevitable explosion. PvP is just who brought more friends? and PvE is who hates themselves enough to mine asteroids for 8 hours? But hey, at least its pretty! If you enjoy staring at the same five skyboxes for a decade while your cargo hold fills with virtual space rocks. Final Verdict: EVE Online is less a game and more a digital dystopia simulator where the only winning move is to uninstall and go play Kerbal Space Program instead. (Cut to outro music and a montage of ships exploding in slow-mo.) Would Yahtzee actually say this? Maybe not, but its close enough to the spirit of Zero Punctuations hyper-cynical style. Hope it gave you a laugh! P.S. If you want a real deep dive into EVEs madness, look up the Battle of B-R5RBa 21-hour slugfest that destroyed 300,000 worth of in-game ships. Because nothing says fun like a second mortgage on your virtual dreadnought.